Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
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When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders