Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
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My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS