Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
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[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.