Room with a view.
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my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Worst bar ever.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany