Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
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“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Anime is real
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.