Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
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I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess