Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
This is Sparta
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.