Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
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What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture