Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
normalize having existential bread
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*