Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.