People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
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“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Sorry. Not sorry
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.