“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
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I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Chemical wingman
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie