Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
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My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
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i guess his teacher was really pissed
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??