As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
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Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
You wish you had this many chins.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?