[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
That was easy.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire