My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
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For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
And now we wait
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.