I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
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Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Teamwork makes the dream work.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.