A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
You Might Also Like
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!