I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
You Might Also Like
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Godzilla was the first house flipper.