Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Krampus.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤