They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
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cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
The internet is full of many things
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.