me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.