Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?