[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Just ordered me some pizza!
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?