I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
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SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.