[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I think they could have phrased this better
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill