All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
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there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
this is uni
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.