Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth