There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
You Might Also Like
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
If only.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.