There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
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7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
What the hell happened here.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”