I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
You Might Also Like
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny