Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
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T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I hope this email finds you in a well
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.