You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
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ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀