My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
You Might Also Like
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Netflix: We have Less
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.