The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
You Might Also Like
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.