“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Note to self: always read the final line
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My love language is deader than Latin
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”