Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.