So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
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(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks