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“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
The smoothest fall of all time
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My whole life was a lie.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS