Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
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When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Catering service
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
A classic…
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad