A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
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Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad