My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
You Might Also Like
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father