Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
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The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”