11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
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not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”