A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
You Might Also Like
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
what the
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
me refusing to leave twitter
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on