(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
You Might Also Like
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
me and the Superbowl rn
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
🤣
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow