[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
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getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus