Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir