[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
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EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
#TopTip
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
When they try to steal your moment.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
bad news gang
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
can’t talk my ride’s here
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life