Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
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The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.